Quiet Happy Wonder

My son is 19 and going to our local community college.  He is living at home.  There are positives and negatives to that.  I think he would agree.

Here is one of the very best things.  We have started taking walks together at night.  It has been wonderful.  Talking and getting to know each other in different ways.  He talks politics and philosophy and history.  Passionately!  And mostly… I listen.  To this intelligent, creative, interesting man-child.

Tonight we got started… and the skies opened up and rain poured down on us!  So we had to make a decision– and we decided to press on!  Which reminded him of a story from camp.  Which led to another.  And another.  Some stories I have heard before, but some I have not.  Adventures he was on without me.

In so many ways we are just spectators in our teenagers lives.  Watching.  Listening.  And tonight… laughing!  Great big out loud laughs ringing out through the night at his adventures (and misadventures!)  Getting tangled up in the dogs leash.  Bumping shoulders on the sidewalk.  Getting drenched in the rain.  Getting closer.

So grateful tonight for rain soaked magic.  And for Sam.

 

Be brave… Bloom… Be fearless… Live the life you wanted to live…
I keep saying these things to myself. I keep telling people this is where I am. That I’m going to bloom right now. But really I haven’t step too far out of my comfort zone. Oh in my thoughts I have. In the way I think of myself. In the way I see the world.
And even those thoughts and plans do take some courage. But not as much as this: I just said publicly, on Facebook (so it must be true) that this fall I am going to take an acting class and I am going to audition for a play.
I’m going to be an actress this fall. This anxiety filled introverted, often  self doubting girl. I am going to put myself on the stage and say… Here I am. I can do this just because I want to.
I can be a part of this creative community. This can be me. It is not too late to bloom.

I never would have guessed I would blog about my hair- but it has been on my mind lately.  More so since a quote caught my eye from a (fabulous) Facebook group I’m in called Wild Women Sisterhood.

 

“Her messy hair is a visual attribute of her stubborn spirit.  As she shakes it free, she smiles knowing wild is her favorite color.”

 

I’ve always been “low maintanance” when it comes to my appearance.  Not taking much time or care with things.  I’m overweight.  My nails aren’t done.  And my hair… usually messy.  But for years it was probably a default setting.  Not deliberate.  Just not taking action… not rowing my boat.

But then a few years ago I began a very quiet change in my life.   An internal quest to find my authentic self.  To remember the me I thought I was.  There were probably very few external clues. But I think my hair might have been one.  Because I stopped cutting it.  I would go in for a trim and stylists wanted to make it straight and sleek, because that is the stlye… the trend.

No.  Not me.  I wanted my hair long and loose and wild.  Curly and untamed.  Unworried and free!  All the ways I wish I could be.  Ways I am trying to learn how to be.

I like to turn it upside down and give it a good shake.  I can shake it so long I can get halfway through the song “Hair” in my head…

Darlin’ give me a head with hair, long beautiful hair — Shining, gleaming, streaming, flaxen, waxen  —  Give me down to there hair, shoulder length of longer  —    Here, baby, there, momma, everywhere daddy daddy —    Hair hair hair hair hair hair —  Flow it, show it, long as God can grow it, my hair!

Let it fly in the breeze and get caught in the trees…

 

Ahhhh….   Head bent down almost to my knees.  Shaking my hair.  Probably even shaking my hips a bit!  Almost a dance.  (I’m so happy to be letting little bits of dance seep into my life.)

It is my quiet little rebellion.   It seems like our culture says that heavyset ladies in middle age need a nice conservative hairstyle.  Short and neat.  “Mature.”  NO!  I am choosing something else for myself.  Not because I’m lazy.  Because it is me.  I am the words you might use to describe my hair.  And I am working on owning it all.

In her book Hunger, Roxane Gay talks about apologizing for her “unruly body.”   I very much tend to over apologize… but I will not apologize for my unruly hair!

Someone saw that quote on my facebook page.  He chuckled and shook his head.  “Your favorite color is wild? Ha.”    Oh….  if you only knew (how could you not know??)  The hair is just the tip of the iceberg.  Soon…. very soon… I think the me I want to be won’t be so hidden.  Moments of dancing seem to be slipping into my life more and more.  Shaking my messy graying hair.

Wearing my wild quietly right on top of my head.

I wonder where your authentic self is slipping out?  I hope you can own it.  I hope you can be your true self.  Even if it is still a little bit quiet for you, too.

 

I’m grumpy.  I try hard not to let that happen…. but yesterday was frustrating.  Just little things, but they threw me off.  Today started off with some little bumps as well, and I have tough meetings coming up this afternoon.  And it’s been rainy and gray.   So as much as I’ve been focused on happiness lately… I just wasn’t feeling it today.

I headed out to get lunch thinking I needed to actively look for some wonder because it certainly wasn’t going to fall in my lap today!  I thought those very words.  “It won’t just fall.”  I did notice how much it’s starting to feel like autumn, which is by far my favorite season.  I noticed a tree with little leaves turning yellow and beginning to rain down on the pavement a bit.  But I shrugged it off.  Fall.  Leaves.  I need more than that today.

But apparently the universe knew that was all I needed today.  Because one of those tiny yellow leaves fell right smack in the middle of my windshield… and STUCK.  My whole drive there and back– there it was right in my line of vision.  I couldn’t have not looked at it if I wanted to!  Delicate and yellow and hanging on with such tenacity!

Sure enough a little bit of wonder did fall right down on me.  Even though I tried to ignore it.

I am thankful for the lessons life keeps teaching me.  Don’t ignore even the smallest bits of happiness and magic and wonder …. they really are everywhere.

 

 

I got hearing aids today. I’ve known for years my hearing isn’t the best- though I never thought it was as bad as maybe it is. Who knows. I can’t tell yet how big a difference they are making.

But right now I am sitting outside listening to the birds and the breeze. Here’s what I don’t know for sure. Was I not hearing them before or was I not stopping to listen? It’s easy to turn up the news or tv or favorite podcasts or music. Always filling the air with noise. Not even thinking to turn it all down.

I was recently in New York City.   We spent the first day on a double-decker bus tour being shown all of the sites. I was struck, as I often am in big cities, by the details of the architecture. My sons know more about this than I do. They can tell you the names of the styles, while I just appreciate them. As always… my gift is appreciation. So I spent the day searching out the beautiful details.

The next morning when I woke up it had been raining and there were raindrops streaking across my window. Across the alley from our room was another building with big windows. And in a window I saw a reflection.  A spire on top of a nearby building. Bright orange and shaped like a flame. Spectacular! I couldn’t wait to get outside and see it at a better angle. It looked more modern than most of the nearby buildings… so I was anxious to learn more about it.

As soon as my family woke up I quickly pointed it out to them. Look at the reflection of this beautiful spire! So pretty! Tall and thin, the flame was somehow almost flower like.

My husband grinned. And told me the truth. It was a crane. A tall orange construction crane extended straight up on the roof of  the building. We watched for a little while and eventually it folded down on it self.  He was right.

I confess that I was not wearing my glasses, and the raindrops distorted the image.  I laughed… and I admit I was also a little bit disappointed.  But you know, I don’t think it changes things completely.

I was seeking out beauty…. and so I found it.  Because I was looking.  I found it even in something completely mundane and utilitarian. Something not really beautiful at all.

And it filled me with quiet happy wonder.