Title: This Beautiful and soul crushing season of my life and I no I have not been taking my Ritalin and some things are worse than a percussion emergency. Not a poem. A rant. Meant to be read aloud.

Title:  This Beautiful and soul crushing season of my life and I no I have not been taking my Ritalin and some things are worse than a percussion emergency.  Not a poem. A rant.   Meant to be read aloud.  

So I taught at a private school and always felt a little bit guilty about the privilege of it all and I that I had to turn away students who weren’t “smart enough” (even though I am a special education teacher by training and by passion) because that was part of my job and it broke broke broke my heart and it crushed my soul when so often mothers (and even more often grandmothers) would call and say “the public-school is terrible it’s awful he’s not learning we have to get him out we’ll do anything we’re desperate please let us come” and I had to say no no no so often and that made me leave I couldn’t stay.

So I decided to become a life coach and I’m taking classes and learning to be a life coach and I’m going to be a very good life coach- and then I decided to be a drummer and a drum therapist and I’m teaching drum classes and drum groups (In my purse I carry a small tambourine and shakers and rhythm sticks all the time in case there Is a percussion emergency because you never know when there there’ll  be a percussion emergency.) And then I realized I wanted to help people with attention deficit disorder and executive function delays so I flew to California for a conference to learn more — because well I can relate to people with ADD and I want to help people-  I really always want to help people.

And then I got a job at the museum – seriously at the museum! And  it’s a fabulous job and I will tell you all about it later because at my job I am in charge of volunteers and so now every minute of every day I am hunting down volunteers 

(I’ll give you my business card later seriously I will don’t think I won’t) 

and at night  I am thinking about my life coaching and thinking about my drumming  and thinking about my helping people with ADD but I’m always a little bit behind because I’m good at a lot of things but I am not always so good at juggling.

Oh wait!   I wanted to help the kids in district 150 that’s why I quit my job— and so I started being a substitute teacher and I had such great intentions and I was going to touch lives of children even if it was just for one day I was going to look into their eyes and I was going to speak to their spirits and I was going to tell them that they are beautiful and that they can grow up and do great things and that the whole wide world was waiting for them and it is big and beautiful and I was going to bring music and light …  but  I didn’t understand. No.  I didn’t understand how desperate it was. I didn’t understand how horrible it was. I didn’t understand how much it was going to break my heart. I didn’t understand I would be in buildings where the adults were screaming at the children all the time. I didn’t understand I would be in rooms with six-year-olds were hungry and who behaved so badly that I punish them by taking away their snack. Did you hear that? My frustration was so great that I took snacks away from hungry children because they were behaving so badly.  And I didn’t know what else to do! And I was in classrooms I didn’t have any books. Did you hear what I just said? Classrooms without any books. Not a reading book. Not a math book. Not a fun book on the shelf. Not a book!   (This is so much worse than a percussion emergency). But wait, it’s even worse. I’ve been in classrooms that didn’t have teachers. Classrooms that were so bad that no one would take the job of teacher. Where I was the seventh substitute teacher they had had and it was only October and no one was making lesson plans. No one was making lesson plans! And the children were threatening each other. And threatening me! Talking about killing people. Talking about screwing people. Six graders. Intimidating each other.  Intimidating me. And screw all of my stupid little tricks. My tambourine and my shakers and my clap clap clap call and response all went to hell. Went straight to hell! No one was interested in my cutsie fucking games.   

And at night I wanted to make plans for my drumming classes and I wanted to make plans for my life coaching and I wanted to make plans for helping people with ADD because as you can see I have ADD, but I couldn’t, because my brain was completely and totally filled with trying to figure out how to solve the enormous problem that is our schools and I don’t think I know how to do it and it breaks my heart it crushes my soul I don’t know what to do and so even though I did see some eyes. Some eyes that I think wanted to learn. Eyes I think want better. I really truly believe that. Even though I saw those eyes… I am stepping away. I am not equipped. My soul is not strong enough.

And so now I am going home at night from my job at my beautiful museum where I see art and wonder and beauty and order and quiet all day long.  And I go home.  And I drum.  I drum.  I drum to the beat of my breaking heart.