Alone For Lunch

Alone for lunch.  An older journal.  Thank goodness.

I am doing better at being social. I am making a real effort. But sometimes, I still find myself alone for lunch. I joined this group too late. That’s usually part of the problem. They were a group. I am just trying to tag along. Catching the edges of conversations. Mexican food? Steak and shake? We’ll all go. 

But then plans change. A different place.  And I am part of them, but not really part of them. No one thinks to warn me of changed plans. I find them.  But seats are saved.  Not one seat for me.  So I leave. 

Driving in circles. Have to go to the bathroom but I don’t want to walk into the restaurant with the group that didn’t save a seat. No place to sit. No room to eat. Embarrassing to need to go in to pee. Driving  down the road considering dirty gas stations.  Eating drive-through food in my car. 

I believe I am doing better in so many ways. But this. This feeling right here is all-too-familiar.   And I desperately want to shake off. To break through. 

I am stepping in. I am saying hello. I am trying to start conversations even when it is out of my comfort zone. But I do not have a friend here. And I suck at Smalltalk. 

My drive-through food feels tastes salty. Silly tears. 

Let them go. It is a beautiful day. I have things to do. 

I’m going to go back and fucking pee.